Fall To The Top

Life Before

I was on top, running large corporations  much of my life. I was used to making good money, living large, and having everything that was important.  "Or so I thought."  I was driven for money, power, and possessions.  I was the go-to guy, I solved the problems, I made the decisions. I was focused, I knew what was important in life and went after my goals with only one thought; to succeed. I didn't need a higher power to tell me what to do.  I did not need to pray or ask for help.

My Father, one of the finest men I have ever known, taught me that honesty and integrity were the important things you had to offer to another person.  I lived by the Ten Commandments, I just did not believe that there was a God who watched over you.  I felt you were no different that an ant. You were here, you died, and then you were gone. 

I was as close as you come to being an atheist.  I believed maybe there was higher being but your life was under your control. I was the boss and I made the decisions.

Religious Background

I never went to church because I wanted to go, it was always someone else pushing me. My parents made me attend when I was a child, my wife when my children were young.

I felt I was a good person who knew right from wrong, lived my life believing that if I was ethical and moral and gave 110% of myself in everything I did, surely I would go to heaven if there was one, even if I didn't go to church. I was living my life according to my version of the teachings of Jesus; never lying to clients, being a faithful husband and, generally speaking, just being a good guy. I felt the church was big business and the purpose was twofold; 1) to become bigger and richer and; 2) a means of controlling the masses.   I was above all that and felt I had as good a shot at heaven as the average church-goer.  Finally my attendance stopped. My family went without me, I was too busy. I worked most Sundays.  To me Sunday was not a special day!

Community Involvement, Charities, Doing For Others

As far as community involvement and charities, my participation was none, none, and none! I gave no money and believed all charities were here to take our money and pad their own pockets.  When I did my tax return, the line for charity always read "0"

My Fall Starts

In 2001 I was the Division Vice President of a Fla. Based company and started experiencing paranoia.  The owner wants me out.  "It's their fault. I did it right but they don't see it".  I started blaming everyone else for my mistakes and my inability to get things done. "They" were the problem. I was making too much money, they were getting greedy, they were putting too many obstacles in the way of my team. There were a million reasons why they wanted me gone and none of them were my fault. My newly developed temper got the best of me and I quit. "Let them see for themselves it wasn't as easy as I made it look."  I would show them!  Later I would discover this was the beginning.

Job To Job

I applied at various companies but doors were closing for me. I had convinced my wife, Carol, as well as myself that I was being blackballed. It certainly appeared that way. Even when I would get a job, I just did not seem to be able to make it work anymore. Things that had been second nature now seemed impossible to do. Nothing was working and I decided at 52 years, I was too old.  I was starting to look old and I felt beaten. Even my posture was getting decidedly worse. This was a precursor to the real reason.

Meeting Harry, September 2002 - A Gift For The Future

I start looking for an "easy job", one that I can just do my own thing. Something simple where no one counts on me except me.

As we move through life, we don't see the things around us that will influence our lives in the future.  There are only a few times in life when a man meets someone who will be such an important part of his future. My new employer the owner of (The Loan Corp) was one of these people.  Harry is a man of integrity and honesty and has a caring side many don't see. This is a man who supported me through my ordeal, encouraged me and gave me a lifeline to sanity. I will never forget his kindness and will always work to say "thank you".  I am proud to call him a friend.  

Changes Begin

Slowly, over a period of time, changes become apparent. I develop a morning cough which gets progressively worse in spite of the over-the-counter drugs that would normally help. I start having difficulty coping with normal situations. I become angry over things of no consequence.  I spend more time at the computer; a good excuse to be left alone.

I begin to have problems driving. It seems as if everything is moving in slow motion.  I see brake lights and it takes seconds to understand what it means.  I begin to drive farther behind the other cars in order to give myself time to react.

I start to notice changes, some subtle, some obvious. I am having a harder time finding the words I need for normal conversation. I want to spend hours on the couch just staring. I am losing my desire to be out and about. Carol calls me a couch potato and it annoys me. My left arm is becoming less mobile (when I walk it does not swing as before) and I become uncharacteristically clumsy, constantly breaking the toes on my left foot from accidentally bumping into walls and furniture. I am taking smaller steps, a kind of shuffle with less movement in my left leg (when walking, I keep asking my wife to wait up for me). I am losing my facial expression and notice a tremor in my lips. I am losing my balance and it feels like I am going to fall when I make turns. I no longer can dance. I am seeing involuntary movement of a finger on my left hand.  I am developing a tremor in my left hand and leg. My posture is changing and I tend to look down as I walk.  I seem shorter in the car. I don't seem to sit as high as before.  I read the same lines over and over without understanding what I am reading. Am I aging more quickly than my wife?     I am getting old.  

 

 4^th July 2003

This is the first time I truly understand something is happening to me.  We are having a family gathering and everyone is talking about a family get together at Universal Studios. I look at them like an outsider. I have no idea what they are talking about. My wife, laughing, gets the pictures. I see the pictures with me in them, and it's as if someone cut and pasted me in. In my mind I have never seen the pictures, and I was not ever there.

I start to call my youngest granddaughter and I am searching for her name. I get nothing, not even a hint of her name and it terrifies me because I have to call her sweetheart instead. I think her name will come to me eventually. It doesn't. I have forgotten the names of my grandchildren and old friends. I begin to use terms like the baby or little one, or the friends on the lake. The names are gone.

Behind the scenes I make an appointment to see a doctor. The day of the appointment, I sit my wife down and tell her I have something to talk to her about.  I tell her what is happening to me and that I am going to see a doctor.  To me, the loss of memory is the loss of my life. This is the first time she realizes something is wrong, the beginning of a nightmare for her. I am losing my memory ... I am losing my life ... "Am I losing my mind?"

 

 

September 2003 The Bottom Falls Out

I begin to lose my ability to remember customers I spoke to a day before.  I reach a point when I can no longer take a call or talk to a customer. My assistants at work are having a major problem working with me. I forget what I tell them, and question everything they do. I have no idea that my mind is having good and bad days. I am losing my ability to drive, relate to others, and just cope.

I am starting to lose my ability to communicate. I try to relate a story to Carol and I am searching for the nouns. It becomes very frustrating and finally I fall into silence. It's easier and not as maddening. I decide to stay that way for the most part; silent with my own thoughts. The less I talk the less I am reminded of what I am losing by the minute.  My world is getting smaller. My life is being diminished.

 

My Family Doctor:

How can I explain or tell you about a man who cared so deeply about me. Seldom do you have a doctor who is also a friend. I can not thank him enough, for being there when I needed him so much. He sensed my fear and was a rock for me to hold on to during the coming weeks. He understood my fears and worked to find what was happening, as if I were family.  The tests he recommended were for the possibility of brain tumors, stroke, blockages, dementia.  When the tests came back negative, he recommended me to a Neurologist for the possibility of Alzheimer's.

 

Terror

I am losing my memory "My Life."

There is no way to explain my terror.  I know day by day the things and people in my life who I love, are going away.  When they are gone who would I be?  Would I be in an institution staring at a wall?  Would my life as a normal person be over? 

Terror" does not come close to describing my fear.  I think I am going insane.

 

Halloween Diagnosis

I know these are my last moments of sanity. My system is breaking down so fast I wonder if I will make it another day. Remember, I solve my own problems, and have been frantically studying on the internet trying to find my problem. My Family doctor sends me to a Neurologist and specialist in the field of Alzheimer's and Parkinson type brain disorders.  After tests and consultation, she tells me she thinks I have Parkinson's Disease.  She explains what is happening to me, how the disease progresses and that my progression may be rapid, not slow.  I am the guy that I go to when there is a problem. I listen and ask questions as if we are talking about someone else.

I know about my condition because of the exposure of Michael J. Fox's book and research I have done on the internet. I have learned how terrible this disease becomes.  The most common form of death due to the disease is pneumonia. I began suffering from Asthma as a child and have always fought with lung infections due to minor colds or flu. I know where my battle will be, my lungs!

I disconnect myself from the words and act as if there is no problem handling what I am being told.  I thank her and leave as if I were leaving a meeting.  I go to my car, lay my head on the steering wheel and cry.   I am dying!

 

 

My Life After The Diagnosis

"My Wife's Point Of View"

After a few weeks of meeting with the Neurologist, it was determined Terry had Parkinson's. He was responding to the meds and was able to cope in the beginning. As his disease progressed over the next 14 months, Terry increased his meds until he was maxed out completely. He was fighting daily now using three medications just to keep his lungs clear. Because of fluid in the lungs, he was not able to sleep at all some nights and very little others. Due to the generosity of his boss he was able to work from home but even that became difficult as he increasingly found himself unable to function and simple matters were sometimes too complex for him to grasp. His life had reached one of seclusion and simplicity. To the naked eye, other than the shaking and slowness of speech, he sometimes seemed normal.  People would say, "So what if his hand and leg is shaking, I could live with that."  What they could not see was the terrible pain and the constant cramping and freezing in mid-stride. During the next 14 months, they had no way of understanding he was fighting for his life. Each day he knew he was getting closer to that day when his lungs would become his enemy, his last fight.

 

"Trapped"

I have reached a point in my life that's very hard to explain.  I am now to the point that simple things such as eating with a knife and fork and dressing without sitting down have become an impossibility. I have lost the ability to do the basics such as paying bills and driving a car.  I now am totally dependent on others. I can no longer take being in a crowd because I can't process multiple conversations. Simple things such as playing a game of cards is too hard and winning a game of dominos is a challenge. I no longer want to go out in public because "people stare."  Speaking, just having a conversation is very difficult.  My mind works, I know what I want to say, the words just never seem to reach my lips. Inside I am the same person I was before becoming sick, yet I am trapped in a body that is slowly dying. I am starting to believe I am alone...even my wife is no longer a comfort. Like everything else I once held dear, I am pushing her away.   I want to scream but who would care!

 

Reaching The Bottom 

I was becoming a child again.  I was afraid of the dark. I heard noises at night and would lay there hiding hoping  "it" would go away.  When in public I felt helpless, and was in constant fear of not being able to protect my wife or myself. I would sit alone at night mad at everyone, family, friends, myself and God.

Because of loss of memory, my wife will now help in telling this story.

"My Wife's Point Of View"

Terry and I sold our home. We were now renting a home and had contracted to build in a retirement community. This was the only type of place in which Terry could cope. He was able to interrelate with older people because he now had many of the same symptoms of old age. He was 54 going on 70.

The week of Thanksgiving 2004, was the low point of his life. Everything was lost to us except my job. We canceled our contract with the builder and I made arrangements to move us into a small apartment near my job. Terry had reached "wretched" status. 

 

Turning To Prayer  

I had made  a decision that I would not die from drowning with fluid in my lungs, or being put into an institution for private care.  I had made a decision to end my life when this time came.  I had reached the bottom.  There was no place to go and I no longer was good for anyone. It was about 11pm Thanksgiving night and I was sitting by myself and thinking about my family and everything that had left my life.  I started asking God why He had done this to me and something inside said "PRAY"  This seemed so strange because I really didn't believe in God...yet I was talking to him.

I suddenly knew I wanted to live.  I did not want to leave my family or miss my grandchildren growing up.    I did not want to give up.

 

"My Wife's Point Of View"

Now, I must add at this point that Terry was raised Catholic and believed in the general concept of God but not on a personal level.  I was raised as a sort of practical Jew ... never really into the religion; more of a nationality thing than religion. Well, I realized nothing was working in our lives, my vague "God, can't you help him?" was more of a lament than a sincere prayer. On Thanksgiving night, 2004, around 11pm Terry asked me to pray with him, to hold my hand and pray for God to help us. This was the first time he had prayed in our 18 years of married life. The fact that he "wanted" to pray was as shocking as praying itself.

 

The Gift 

"My Wife's Point Of View"

We were in bed and it was dark.  A stranger to formal prayer and not really certain I was going about it correctly, I gave Terry to God and asked Him to have mercy and intervene in Terry's life. After five minutes of both of us praying, pleading, literally for our lives, we just laid there, side by side holding hands in the dark, silent. The silence went on for the next five minutes. When I asked Terry if he was sleeping he asked me to turn on the light. When I did, he brought his hand up... it was no longer shaking. He could tell by my eyes I was having trouble comprehending what had just happened. Amazed, he told me he felt heat go from his neck down through his arm and described it as feeling like a fire hose uncurling as his arm and hand laid out on the bed. I asked him what that meant. He  didn't know. I asked him if the pain in his body was gone. He was stunned that it had vanished. He jumped (more like hopped gingerly) out of bed and walked. He said it was like walking on the moon.  Each step felt like it was several feet long. He spun around in a circle (a prior impossibility). He walked in and out of the room smiling with tears in his eyes. He started dancing, yes spinning and dancing.....His balance was perfect, no pain and no tremor. 

We held each other in wonder and awe, each with our own thoughts and questions, and finally exhausted, I fell asleep. The next morning when I awoke I knew something was different in our lives but could not remember exactly what it was. I was coming out of a deep sleep and remembered the events of the night before but thought I might have dreamed it, the way you do when you ache for something that is not possible, and it works its way into your dreams. I found him sitting on the living room couch. I asked him if he had come to bed at all that night. He told me no, he had stayed up. "How could I sleep, God had given me life again." "What were you doing" I asked.  "Dancing in the living room, dancing in the kitchen. Dancing and staring at my hands and thanking God for this miracle."

He told me he wanted to go to church. "Where?"  He didn't care, it could be Baptist, Catholic, Methodist or a Synagogue, he just wanted to go to God's house. That weekend we went to church together for the first time in our 18 years of marriage.

The church we chose was Van Dyke United Methodist Church. The Pastor told the story of God's gift to Mary and explained that sometimes God gives gifts to people who are not religious and feel they are undeserving. God believes in us before we believe in Him. As we were leaving Terry was very quiet. I was almost afraid to ask what he thought of the sermon and was amazed and thrilled when he said he felt as if the pastor was speaking directly to him. He was so excited, he called Pastor Hartsfield the next day and started walking down a Golden Path in his life.

 

My Life Now

I went back to work Dec 2004. No one knew how scared I was to return. Could I work again, could I compete, could I handle the stress? 

I was surprised at the number of my coworkers who were so happy to have me back.  I never knew how much I was liked by my fellow peers.  Their love and excitement made coming back much easier.  

I quickly found the answers to all of my questions. The complex tasks that had confounded me six weeks before came as second nature. My energy and ability to cope with any situation was higher than I could remember. I must say, I was operating at a higher level than anytime in my life.

Moving Forward

I am now working not for myself but to help others, and the rewards are multiplying daily. The wonderful people coming into my life, are beyond explanation. 

I now believe the gift was not just the reversal of Parkinson's, but my whole life since. Colors are brighter, smells are richer, and I have fulfillment in my life I never knew existed.   I Am Truly Blessed!

 

Would I Go Back?

I was asked if I were able to go back to my old life and not go through the past three years, would I?  The answer is no!   I learned, and gained so much because of my ordeal. I am a better man today than I ever was in my past.  I now see pain in others who I would have ignored before. I see opportunities to help where I would have looked the other way.  I now understand what it is like to be trapped in your own body. I take the time to say hello to those walking slowly or in a wheelchair. I now understand, when I see older people driving farther behind a car. I now know when a person has difficulty speaking, they may have a mind that is racing ahead but the words are just not reaching their lips.

I am now a man I know my Father would be proud of. This means a lot to me.

 

 

What Did The Doctor Say

As a Doctor, she understood that Parkinson's cannot go away. She did not understand what was happening but was excited and told me there are many things in the medical field that a doctor sees, yet cannot explain. She said she was not above believing in miracles, and believed this was the second one she had witnessed.

My Doctor is still very happy and excited about my condition.  She said in her opinion, I was helped not through the meds, but through a Devine Intervention.    She still feels that the Parkinson's' is with me and did not want me to have a big letdown if it came back. She believed that we should be thankful for whatever has happened and see where it leads us.

Working For Others

I am not proud of my past but realize I am not able to go back. I can only move forward and change the path I take. I am so sorry this has happened so late in my life. I could have helped so many if I had understood the fullness and richness of helping others and loving God.

I  dedicate the rest of my life to catching up.

 

Why Am I Telling This Story

In the beginning we did not intend to tell others about what happened. I have always been very private, and kept my life to myself. Because of my own disbelieving past, I felt no one would believe.  They would say it was the meds, or a misdiagnosis.

I have realized without any doubt, "what happened was real". I understand it doesn't matter if some don't believe; there are always disbelievers. It only matters for those who may gain something from the story. If one person is touched by this story, I truly think Jesus will be pleased.

Hearing the story for some was a reaffirmation of faith and others were profoundly touched. We have since shared this story many times and have received calls and emails from people we do not even know. We have seen grown men and women with tears in their eyes; touched with emotion. I believe this story is part of the gift I received and was meant to pass on. Even though it is very hard sometimes to tell this without becoming emotional, I now feel it is my responsibility to share this with anyone willing to listen.

Would you call this a gift?  It was to Carol and me. Would you call this a miracle? That depends on what level a miracle must be to you. To us it was the greatest miracle we could have received. We have been touched beyond what words can describe.

Fall To The Top.  I found my fall to the bottom was really just the doorway to the top. What I thought was the bottom, the lowest part of my life, was just seconds from the most wonderful life imaginable. I hope this story gives those whose lives are seemingly at an end, "hope" that the top may only be seconds away.

Why Me?

I do not know where this is leading and what wonderful things are waiting for me, but excitement and thankfulness does not come close to expressing my feelings.  I have been given an opportunity few people get; to do something that may make an imprint on many peoples' lives, for now and the future. I have been blessed, oh yes, blessed just to part of this.

I am thankful for the wonderful man that helped me along, Pastor Hartsfield. A man who helped me, and is still helping me move forward and accept what I am going through with eyes and heart wide open.

I am thankful for my wife who is supporting me and accepting the many new things that are happening in our lives. 

But most of all, I am thankful for Jesus who loved and cared for me enough to give me not only a second chance but a mission from the heart.

Terry Scott

Thank You For Sharing My Story 

May God Give You And Your Family Many Blessings.

 

 

As you can see, I am not a professional writer. I have tried to express in words, how it happened. In writing this, I found it is very difficult to accept your real life, and more difficult to share with others, fears and feelings you have experienced.   

I hope if someone is experiencing similar problems or symptoms in their life, this may help them better understand that they are not alone.

Humbled and Thankful

Terry Scott

 

I Dedicate This story to :  My Friend, My Love, My Wife, Carol.

Please note: any mistakes are due to editing by Trudi and Don Alexander. Our dear friends who walked beside us and shared our ordeal.      We love you both.      

Terry and Carol

 

Continue  Why Me